It's the Vasquez Gang, Sheriff.
You're a good deputy, Charlie.
You don't catch anybody,
but you sure keep me informed.
Come on, move!
Maybe this time we'll catch them before they cross the border.
Hola, Sheriff.
I think we have a Mexican standoff, huh?
Hasta la vista.
Charlie!
But, Sheriff...
No, Charlie!
Washington says, once they cross that river border,
it's ollie ollie oxen free.
But they can come across here
and steal everything that isn't nailed down.
What are you going to do about it, Sheriff?
That's what they keep asking me.
Who?
Once a week, a telegram from Washington.
"What are you doing about the Vasquez Gang?"
Maybe it's time I sent a telegram.
Yeah.
"Dear Washington,
What are you doing about the Vasquez Gang?"
Hmm.
"Love, Sheriff Cantrell."
Come on, Jim.
Quit fooling around with that thing.
We got a problem.
Another errand for the president.
Washington knows that Vasquez is responsible
for half the robberies in the border counties.
But as long as he stays in Mexico, we can't touch him.
How well you phrase that.
It's a natural gift.
Artemus, how do you catch a rat?
I mean a real one.
A trap.
Exactly.
How do you get him out of the hole
and into the cage?
Bait.
Frank Slade.
Frank Slade?
The most wanted and least loved.
Except he's not wanted anymore.
He was captured last week in Missouri.
Oh, I hadn't heard.
No one has and no one will; it's being kept secret.
Oh.
Well, if he's already been arrested,
then, uh, why are you printing more "wanted" posters?
I knew you'd ask.
This is the real poster.
It's still up in the banks and post offices
in the Missouri Territory.
And this poster is a picture of someone familiar to you,
someone very near, and, in a sense, very dear to you.
Listen, if you think I'm going...
Oh...
it's you.
Oh, you don't look anything like him.
He's uglier.
Well, thank you.
I think he's uglier than you, too.
Thank you.
I don't have to look like Slade;
Vasquez has never seen him.
Slade never operated in this part of the country.
We'll be perfectly safe.
Um, uh...
we will?
You wouldn't want me to go and face
a band of desperadoes alone.
Now, you wouldn't want that, would you, Artemus?
No... no, you're quite right.
It's much too dangerous.
So why don't you take Tennyson with you?
Whatever you two brave gentlemen of the Secret Service
are discussing, I don't want to know about it.
Not even at combat pay?
No, sir.
No, sir, for that I would need hazardous duty pay
in addition to the combat pay.
You're quite right.
A gentleman should never sell himself cheaply.
$10,000 reward?
Slade here in Casa Verde?
I tell you I ain't a man to make this sort of thing up.
I seen him, I tell you, Sheriff.
He's hiding out in the hills not ten miles from here.
What would he want here?
I don't know.
He don't confide in me.
I don't even care what he wants here.
$10,000.
Half for you, half for me.
Now, how much is 5,000 in pesos, huh?
But he's not wanted here.
He has broken no laws in Casa Verde
and there's no extradition treaty.
$10,000 reward, dead or alive.
You know what that means?
That means if he was to happen to die,
there'd be a corpse laying around here in Casa Verde
worth $10,000 cash on delivery in Laredo.
You wish me to cause something to happen to your friend, huh?
No...
I'm just saying if, if- that's all.
You're the sheriff here.
Must be a pretty good shot, huh?
Well, I, I don't mean, uh, uh...
I mean, uh...
I know what you mean.
But I'll think about it.
Oh.
Meanwhile, buy yourself a drink.
Well... ain't that a coincidence, huh?
I do enjoy a drop of vino every now and then.
Muchas gracias, Sheriff.
Oh, uh...
No, no, no.
I will need this to help me think.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh...
Just remember where you got it, huh?
He hears all this racket coming from the saloon.
He figures he's got to do something
about taking care of the woman.
There's no other way but to stop this here fellow.
So the doc comes running downstairs and into the saloon,
goes right up to the piano player.
He says to him, "Quiet down."
"You know there's a woman dying upstairs?"
Piano player says, "No, but hum a few bars of it
and maybe I can pick up the tune."
Well, you see, he...
he figured that it was the name of the song.
You know what I mean?
¶ There's a woman dying upstairs... ¶
You used to stand in front of a cigar store
in Collinsville, Illinois?
Gramps.
Vasquez wants to see you.
Mojave's the name, sonny.
Mojave Mike.
I ever tell you about how I got that there... Now.
As soon as I finish my beer.
I ever tell you about how I got that there medal of...
I'm finished.
We can go now.
That will be all.
Please, be seated, Señor Mike.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sergeant Gomez was kind enough
to call this to my attention.
He tells me that you have seen Señor Slade here
in our area.
Mm-hmm.
How can you be sure?
Well, uh...
Of course, I didn't want to mention this to Sheriff Gomez,
you understand,
but Frank and me used to ride together back in Kansas.
Then he is your friend...
That's right, sonny.
whom you would betray for $10,000 reward?
Well, now, wait one minute.
He's a good friend.
That's the least I'll take for him.
Madre mía.
Good friend, then.
And what is your good friend doing
so far from his usual haunts?
He don't confide in me.
Strange.
But, uh, I figure it's business, you know?
I found something out.
Uh...
Fellow by the name of Matthew Greeley
checked into the Cane Fork Hotel.
Uh, Greeley- G-R-E-E-L-E-Y.
He's a big shot in the Treasury Department.
And, uh... and you think...
I don't think nothing.
I just wonder.
Huh.
Interesting.
I thought you gentlemen might like some refreshment.
Ah, gracias, my dear.
Would you care for a little brandy, Señor?
A little brandy is something
I never care for.
Just fill her up, sonny.
This is brandy, Señor.
I know it.
Don't worry, I can lift it.
I'm pretty strong for an old fellow.
This is a nice, quiet spot, Commissioner Greeley.
We can talk here.
Has the telegram arrived from Del Rio yet?
It arrived this morning, Commissioner Greeley.
The gold has been deposited
in the Del Rio Merchant and Citizen's Bank-
one million dollars in bullion.
Jolly good.
I mean, very good.
How about the, uh, prison van?
It'll be ready Thursday morning.
I understand you want six of my deputies riding inside,
dressed as prisoners.
There you are.
And very nice, if I do say so myself.
I don't think I'm ugly enough.
Oh, well, you've got to feel the part, you know.
When you're walking around, think to yourself,
"I'm ugly, boy, am I ugly."
If I were you, sir,
I'd try a cast in the left eye.
Oh, now, he doesn't want to be too ugly.
You know, there's a girl out there...
I'm... I'm ugly enough.
Fine.
You better get back to Casa Verde.
They're liable to miss you.
All right.
Well, I'm going to be there
overnight, won't I?
I'll need a hotel room.
Yeah, you might,
but Mojave Mike, he never heard of a hotel room.
Is there a livery stable?
Livery stable!
What about the smell?
Well, the horses will just...
Have to get used to it. have to get used to it.
That's him.
That's Frank Slade.
He sure is an ugly one.
Yeah...
Uh...
H-H-Howdy, Frank.
You see?
Told you he knowed me.
Come on.
Uh... uh, Frank,
this here's, uh, Viper Black,
and these gentlemen here is the Dawson Boys.
That's, uh, Matt and Luke and Mark.
Oh, boy.
Oh... boy!
Come on!
I need a room.
Get me one, will you?
Uh... yes, sir, Frank.
Get you the best room in the house.
Uh...
They, uh... they just want to talk to you,
to tell you something, Frank.
Okay, tell me.
Colonel Vasquez wants to see you.
Now, ain't that right friendly of him, huh?
Yeah, that's right friendly.
We'll take you out there.
Uh, they just want to show you the way, Frank.
All right, show me the way.
Here, have one on me, little friend.
Whoa, ha.
I could use a man like you.
I'm not for hire.
I've been looking to hire some men myself.
In Casa Verde?
That's very interesting.
For what purpose?
I've got my purposes.
I'm looking to hire
five or six good men that know the territory.
You sound like a man with big plans.
Big enough.
I am a man who savors big plans.
I also savor a fine meal.
Will you join me for dinner?
Did you win all that in, uh...
some kind of a shooting contest?
Prizes of conquest, Señor Slade.
I was a ranking officer with Emperor Maximilian,
before his untimely downfall.
You mean you lost, huh?
Aw... hey, I'm sorry about that.
Listen- let me buy you another, huh?
I wouldn't dream of it.
In any case, the glass was 200 years old.
Well, then you got your money's worth, right?
My dear, may I present Mr. Slade.
Señor Slade,
this is my good friend,
Miss Linda Medford.
So happy to meet you, Mr...
Slade.
How do you do, Miss, uh, Medford?
Do you two know each other?
Naw, I just got one of them common faces.
Please.
I trust you enjoyed the meal, señor.
Right good, right good.
No, no, no, no.
Not good enough.
I have something far superior
for a man of your tastes.
Just arrived from Havana.
Permiso.
Well, I could add some seasoning
to this dinner party.
Never mind, food's good.
You look silly in that mustache.
Batterer!
Uh, what's a pretty thing like you
doing out here wasting her time?
Time?
You taught me all about how to waste time
in Washington, remember?
Naw, naw, never interested
in that political stuff.
I think I'll scream.
Now, why don't you go ahead and scream?
I haven't heard a girl scream for a long time.
Well, you're not worth $10,000 dead or alive.
How come?
I'm on a rising market.
Señor.
Mmm, nice.
Well, I'll be getting along.
No... no, no, no.
Sit down, señor, we're going to talk.
I don't have time to play games.
Neither do I.
Please, sit down.
Excuse me, gentlemen, I have a headache.
Mmm.
Good night, Miss, um, Medford.
You said you need five or six good men.
My men are the best in this territory.
Then I'll have to settle for second best.
Second best?
To appropriate
a million-dollar shipment of federal bullion?
You've got no business knowing my business.
On the contrary, señor.
It is my business to know everything.
For such an endeavor, you need my men,
who are the best.
And my protection, which is also the best.
Uh-uh, forget it.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Now that I know of the shipment,
why should my men not take it for themselves?
Uh-huh.
Try it.
Del Rio's swarming with federal men.
But you have a plan.
Yeah.
That's right, I got a plan.
And it don't include you or your men.
But it should.
Señor, I believe you have the plan,
but I know I have
the manpower.
I also have the sanctuary to which we may retreat
when the plan has been... executed.
I don't like partnerships.
It means more than one leader.
Then let there be only one leader-
yourself.
Separately, we can accomplish only our own deaths.
Together, we can share a million dollar.
I don't know.
What is the alternative?
There is a price on your head.
Without my protection, are you sure you can leave
Casa Verde alive?
You wouldn't have any notion.
Ah, you are my guest, señor.
But there are others whose greed
may exceed their sense of... what is fitting.
Let us talk like friends.
The plan.
All right.
Tomorrow morning there'll be a prison van leaving Cane Fork.
There'll be two men- a guard on the outside and a driver.
Six guards on the inside disguised... as prisoners.
Yes, yes, this much I know.
They pick up the gold here in Del Rio
and take it to here in San Antonio.
Obviously, you intend to attack
somewhere between Del Rio and San Antonio.
That's where you're wrong.
You forget, between Cane Fork and Del Rio,
the van will stop for fresh horses at the way station.
That's where I'll be.
Waiting for them with your men.
I'm beginning to see.
But one correction:
We shall be there with my men.
I heard you never cross the border.
A mill... half a million dollar is worth the risk.
All right.
When the van arrives at the way station,
that's when we take over.
We change uniforms with the guards.
Then we- we- ride into Del Rio
and we receipt for the gold, and...
cross the border before anyone's the wiser.
Most ingenious.
I am impressed.
I ride shotgun, you and your men inside the van.
Mojave Mike drives.
Mojave Mike?
Any objections?
You are the commander, Señor,
but before you assign your friend Mojave Mike
to this delicate post,
I must tell you
that recently he attempted, unsuccessfully, with Hefe Gomez
to have you... converted into a corpse.
Are you sure of that?
My word as an officer and gentleman.
Would you like me to arrange his death?
I don't arrange deaths.
I'll take care of it myself.
Can Viper drive?
All my men can drive, ride... and shoot.
Viper drives.
Oh, this is heavy.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Now, these are the uniforms
that you'll be wearing tomorrow.
You all know what to do.
When Vasquez's men jump you
at the way station,
make it look good.
Act surprised but no gun play, huh.
But, as long as we know
the gang's going to be waiting
at the way station,
why don't we just ride in
and take them?
If you'd prefer a gun fight, you can have it,
but, this way, you get them all caged
without a shot being fired.
You can count on us, Mr. Gordon.
Fine, thank you, Sheriff.
See you all tomorrow, then.
Good luck.
All right. Bye.
Please don't crowd, gentlemen,
you will all be fitted to individual tastes.
Hats.
You haven't changed your scent.
Neither have you, you pole cat.
Move into the room.
Harrison Briggs.
I'd almost forgotten that name.
I'll never forget it.
And I'll never forget those weeks in Washington-
the moonlight on the Potomac, the Presidential Ball.
You swindled me.
The picnic at Mount Vernon.
You brought the champagne.
Yes, and I paid for it, too, with good money.
But not as good as they were making at the mint.
Whatever happened to those counterfeit plates?
The Secret Service got them when they picked up your old man.
Uh, by the way, was he really your father?
Were you really Harrison Briggs of Chambersburg?
Don't move in- I'll pull the trigger.
Unless what?
Unless you give me half.
Hmm.
What are you doing?
It's past my bedtime.
I have a busy day tomorrow.
Half of what?
Half of your half a million dollars.
That's a quarter of a million dollars.
And this bang-bang makes a quarter of an inch hole.
You got a point.
Tell me, what's keeping me from agreeing
and then running out on my promise?
You forget I know you.
Your name isn't Slade, and it probably isn't Harrison Briggs,
and you're a swindler and a thief-
and several other things I can't mention, being a lady.
But you don't go back on your word.
And I know you.
And your name isn't Medford.
And any man that kisses you better have one arm around you
and the other around his poke.
And you can point a gun at a man, but you won't fire.
Here I come, ready or not.
And you're right:
if I give my word I'll keep it,
but I just can't do that.
Anyhow, you don't need money-
I thought you found your pot of gold
at the end of Vasquez's rainbow.
Y-You...
You may turn around now.
Things are never really what they seem with you, are they?
Rarely.
Oh, what about Vasquez?
Well, he was a king in Mexico City,
but, uh, this is not Mexico City and...
What I'm trying to say is that I would like out.
Then leave.
Well, that's why I need the money.
Oh, what you mean is that you're bored
and you hate him so much,
you'd pack up and leave
if you could get enough money to do it.
Well, that's not fair.
I mean, I'm entitled to something,
after all, I gave...
You gave him the best years of your life.
A few of them.
Mm-hmm.
In any case, I'm going to leave him.
Are you sure you wouldn't want to cut...
No.
You wouldn't.
There-there are reasons.
You know something?
I almost believe you.
You're really funny-
you can make a girl feel like a queen...
and a fool all at the same time.
Someday we'll have that picnic, and I'll bring the champagne.
What are you doing?
Just taking out a little insurance
in case you get any second thoughts.
My dear, is something wrong?
No, I just couldn't sleep,
so I went for a ride.
Possibly to Señor Slade's hotel?
Answer me.
Were you with Slade?
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
I got totally bored and I rode over
and I just flung myself into his arms.
It would not be the first time, would it?
But if you are lying, it is certainly the last.
Don't threaten me, Francesco.
You are hurting me.
Look at me!
Were you with Slade?
No.
I hope not, Linda... for your sake.
But you will never know, will you, Francesco?
I should have left you in Mexico City.
Well, why didn't you?
It is a weakness that I have.
I thought I could make a lady out of you.
Here?
In this dreary, over-furnished cave?
You know, Linda, I've been thinking.
A beautiful girl like you living here,
as you say, in this cave,
really should have a bodyguard.
No, no, more than that, a confidant.
Someone you can pour your heart out to.
Someone gifted in the art of conversation.
Someone like... Viper.
How considerate.
I knew you would think that.
Viper.
The ever-loyal Viper will escort you to your quarters.
He will sleep like a faithful dog outside your door.
Nothing is too good for dear Linda.
Buenas noches.
Where's Vasquez?
He's coming.
Buenos días, Señor Slade.
Are we ready to ride?
I'm ready.
Oh...
I see you have, uh, shaved off your mustache.
Less likely to be recognized.
Frank always likes to keep them guessing.
Just like old times, huh, Frank?
Viper-
back in the hacienda.
Mark can drive.
Viper has a weakness for shooting people.
Besides, I do not want Linda left alone.
The señora is to stay in her room until I return.
That's fine with me- time to ride.
Momento, por favor.
First, you have a traitor to deal with.
There's plenty of time for that
when we get back.
No, now- I will not ride
with one who would betray my partner.
All right.
Mike!
Yeah, Frank?
Hear you've been shooting your mouth off to the law about me.
Oh, now, Frank...
That's too bad.
Too bad for you, Mike.
Well, I-I only...
Draw.
You sure he's dead?
I'll put a bullet through his head, just to make sure.
You saying I can't shoot straight?
Let's go.
They're watching us.
Pretend I'm asking you directions.
Turn around and point.
You almost hit me with that thing.
Quiet, you're supposed to be unconscious.
Phoo.
Get the windows.
I say, Charlie, we're here!
Where are the fresh horses?!
Odd.
You suppose he's taking a snooze?
I shall try to rouse him.
Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
Call the driver in.
Ed, would you come here a moment, please?
You got the keys?
Take their uniforms.
That's the one that ought to have the receipt.
All right, you men in the vans- we know you're armed.
Throw out your guns or we'll fill the van with lead!
Hurry up, we can't wait all day!
That's all of them, mister!
Don't shoot!
All right, out of there- move.
In there, señores.
Step fast!
Here's the guards' uniforms.
Here's the receipt for the gold.
I'll receipt for the gold.
Put one of those on.
You will drive.
And you will ride in the back of the van.
Since when?
Since now.
I make it a point
never to trust a stranger, Señor Slade.
A practice you would have done well to learn by now.
I have the van, I have the uniforms,
I have the receipt.
I don't need you anymore, but I want you along,
in case anything should go wrong.
Ah, there.
Now, you untie the others
and I'll look after the horses.
Right.
Now, you chaps run like blazes.
Oh, I do wish I was going with you.
You ain't going?
Like this?!
I'll give them the receipt and I'll call you
when we are ready to load the gold.
Tell them to keep an eye on him.
If he tries anything, you know what to do.
I've come to receipt for the San Antonio gold.
Uh, I'm afraid I don't understand.
The bullion.
The gold shipment.
Look, I'm sorry, sir,
I'm just a junior teller.
I'll give this to our manager.
I'm sure he'll know what it's all about.
Get out of here!
Ha!
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
You all right?
Never better.
Vasquez?
He only bought a one-way ticket.
It's Washington all over again.
And you've managed to escape.
How?
By the skin of my teeth.
And I've learned my lesson, Linda.
This is no kind of life.
Excuse me, sir. Champagne.
Oh, thank you, Tennyson.
As you were saying.
Oh, yes.
This is no kind of life.
Always involved
in one kind of shabby operation after another.
Mmm, shabby operation.
You said the, uh, counterfeit plates were lost
and that the gold shipment just managed to get away.
You know, I think you've done a remarkable job
of making success out of failure.
None of this is mine.
It belongs to, uh... a... business associate,
and all obtained through legal, legal means.
Kind of makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
About what?
About going straight.
You?
And even you.
Together?
Well...
Well, no, Linda, it'd never work.
You see, it would be a kind
of a constant reminder of our sordid pasts.
Well, it's easy enough for you to talk about going straight-
what with your business associates and all.
Well, what about me?
I have no one.
Everyone has... someone.
That's what I thought, too.
Twice.
Except that every time you show up,
my someone ends up in jail.
So, here I am again.
Where's my someone?
Right here.
I'm making you a present of Viper.
Gift wrapped.
Exactly what
am I supposed to do with him?
Oh, it's just a thought, but Sheriff Cantrell
is offering a $2,000 reward for Viper.
A girl could start a whole new life
with that kind of money.
That is the loveliest gift
I can think of to give a girl.